Orc Commentating “That’ll Do Pig” from The Games

“And into the fourth lap now! I haven’t seen this since The Eight Stone Axes nobbled the
Sudden Death tribe in ’53. Four Laps! Great Stuff! And bloody too, you can smell the pain!

As the last three boars once again cross the ‘Get Ready’ line at full throttle, we have Zakrak of the Twin Moon tribe hot on the piglet’s heels. He’s closely followed by a clearly unconscious Raghat of the Seven Rocks, he’s lashing about in his saddle like a kraken taking a bath. If that leather strap breaks he’s finished for sure. I thought he’d be a real challenger but that punch he took at the Get Ready sent him to La La Land and he’s been there ever since. Probably the best place for him - as we see the last boar coming up on his inside. Well, I say ‘boar’ but if that’s not a wolf covered in brown wool then I’m not Big Trizt Blzka! Those Spiky Bits, you just can’t trust ‘em. And while I’m at it, I’m pretty sure that’s no orc riding either, you can see it’s two grotlings in a poorly fitting coat. But I guess I’m old fashioned, the crowd are loving it - orc or grotling.

And it seems to be working! They’re overtaking Raghat! But now Zakrak rounds the top corner, he’s within grabbing range of the piglet, down comes the claw and ... DODGED! That piglet’s loaded with more adrenaline than my grandma on breeding night. Round the top bend the piglet goes, trotters tearing up the turf in a desperate attempt to survive for just a few more seconds. Gotta love the little fella, he just won’t lie down and die. But now here comes the Spiky Bits wolf-boar, inside line on Zakrak who hasn’t spotted the threat and BANG! T-boned! Bits of Twin Moon’s finest are littering the track. That’s gotta HURT!

Those cheeky little grotlings are making a play for glory! Make it and they’ll be dining at the top table tonight, miss it and I reckon they’ll be dinner themselves. Final straight now. Here comes the grab... and it’s a good one! Up comes piglet, feet still going like mad, and it’s Spiky Bits race to lose now. But piglet’s not finished! He’s biting and kicking like his life depends on it, which it does! And he’s loose! Dashing and dodging about on the wolf’s back. The grotlings are trying to brain him with the lashing stick as the final turn begins to bite but they keep missing, and their wolf just keeps going faster. Piglet’s still loose on the mount’s rump...and...it’s...jumping! Look at it soar! Best piglet ever! And straight into the dozing lap of Raghat. Unbelievable! Spiky Bits wolf and crew have taken their eye off the track and BANG! Into the tree they go! No surviving that! And the Seven Rocks Champion wins That’ll Do Pig and he’s not even conscious! The crowd are going ballistic and the fighting’s started already! What a race! And look! Piglet’s dropped down into the brawling crowd and is having it away and who can blame him? What a game little fella, what a race, what a sport!”